It’s Amazing I Have Any Friends At All
Last night we took the trip to the inside-out toasted cheese joint … err … the fondue restaurant. The food was good, the experience better, the company was the best.
We had fun, ate well, and nice conversation: though I used phrases like “Jesus Christ” and “God Damn It” in jokes that made my Faithful (if you catch my drift) friends cringe a bit.
But the homages to J.C. and the Big Daddio in the Sky were needed. The jokes, worked artfully into the conversation, don’t have the same effect without them. Since you asked, here they are:
Yeh. When I grew up I thought I was Jesus Christ. My Nan always called out the back door when she wanted me, “Jesus Christ! Get in here!”
After realizing I wasn’t Jesus Christ, I still thought my middle name was Goddamnit. Because Nan, calling out the back door when I didn’t answer the first time, called, “Jimmy Goddamnit! Get in here!”
As I said, my dinner partners and my wife are among the Faithful and the jokes didn’t go over very well. I could tell because the silence and uncomfortable glances were much worse than the groans that I expected.
My brain kicked in:
WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! WE HAVE A FOUR ALARMER!
ALL NON-ESSENTIAL PERSONNEL REPORT TO THEIR QUARTERS.
NAVIGATOR, MAKE ANY AND ALL NECESSARY EVASIVE MANEUVERS.
MEDICAL STAFF, REPORT TO THE TRAUMA CENTER AND REMAIN ON STAND-BYE ALERT.
I’M TURNING OFF THE AUTOPILOT AND TAKING OVER THE CONTROLS.
THE TACTICAL MANUAL HAS AN EMERGENCY COUNTER-JOKE.
I’M BRINGING THIS ONE IN MYSELF.
… I just hope it’s not too late …
I quickly appended the previous jokes:
cough, cough I was raised by my grandparents. I think my Nan thought my name was Georgie Eddie Johnny Raymond JIMMY. When Nan wanted me should would call me from the back door, “Georgie Eddie Johnny Raymond JIMMY! Get in here!”
Georgie, Eddie, Johnny, and Raymond are my uncles. She raised them before me.
One of my dinner companions responded, “Oh, that’s funny. My mom used to do that to me and my brothers and sisters too.”
CODE GREEN! I REPEAT: CODE GREEN!
ALL PERSONNEL REPORT BACK TO THEIR PREVIOUS STATIONS.
NAVIGATOR, AS A CONTINUED DIVERSIONARY MANEUVER,
GRAB A SKEWER AND STICK SOMETHING IN THE CHEESE SAUCE.
WHAT? YES, I GOT THE MESSAGE FROM THE BLADDER:
HE HAS TO PEE. TELL HIM TO HOLD IT, GODDAMN IT!
THIS MIGHT NOT BE OVER YET!
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