Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, & Limbo
Ever since I saw The New Saint Joseph Baltimore Catechism (1969) pamphlet, I’ve been thinking about where we go when we die. While I’m not a Catholic, they seem to have the system down pretty well and have decided to use their concepts of Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, and Limbo as a guide to the afterlife.
Realizing that this a pretty deep subject, I’m going to oversimplify things just so that I can wrap my head around what happens when we shuffle off this mortal coil. You may have different ideas and, of course, your thoughts are welcome.
HEAVEN
Heaven is where good people go after they die. There they get to spend the rest of eternity with God and all the really good musicians.
Think of Heaven as the original Woodstock Festival with Jesus Christ in the Wavy Gravy position and the Archangels as the Hog Farm Collective.
HELL
Hell is a place where bad people and unbaptized people born after Christ died go after they die. The descent into hell is best described as an escalator down to the molten core of earth.
At the bottom is a bespectacled demon sitting at a small desk checking people in. Like in the Far Side comic, he asks the newcomers, “Will that be inferno or non-inferno? I’m just kidding, it’s all inferno down here.”
Once in Hell your flesh eternally burns off your bones while crows poke at your eyes. All this while The Carpenters music is pushed through a top-notch PA system. Why do birds suddenly appear …
PURGATORY
As mentioned yesterday, Purgatory is the Plaza I MiniMall. The people in Purgatory have died but need the prayers of the faithful in order to get into Heaven.
I imagine these prayers are similar to frequent flier miles in that they expire (Don’t believe me? Read the fine print near the altar candles). The good thing about these prayers is that you can sometimes turn them in for special Hedonism II vacations in the Bahamas.
LIMBO
Limbo is just a short bus ride from Purgatory. It is the place that God setup so that unbaptized babies and fetuses didn’t have to go to Hell when they die. There they are cared for by the good people who died before Jesus had a chance to ascend into Heaven.
The people in Limbo live happy, peaceful lives but never have the chance to meet God himself.
Apparently there has lately been some shenanigans going on in Limbo and, early in 2007, the Pope had it closed down (I read that in The New York Times). He also called for “further study on Limbo.”
Here’s what I think: Someone realized that God never shows up in Limbo; the citizens of Limbo weren’t being watched. I’m guessing one of the ancient Greek philosophers got a hold of some opium and a couple dozen barrels of good wine and they’re all up there partying.
Consequently, the poor babies and fetuses were left on their own; I think the Pope is trying to have them released into Heaven. It’s all hush-hush. Most of it will eventually come out in the SmokingGun.com.
If you liked that, maybe you will like this:
- Purgatory
- Nonsequitors for 2008-05-18
- It’s Amazing I Have Any Friends At All
- Nonsequitors for 2008-05-21
- Nonsequitors for 2008-06-13
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